dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
