shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
