The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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