So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
