i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
