Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
