Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just found a bag of teeth...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
