i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
