I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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