Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
