This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
