a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
