Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
