If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
