im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
did i walk over a car last night?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
