Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Randomize
