I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize