im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
