She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
