Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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