Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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