just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
