I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
