so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
