What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
