im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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