I hate your face
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
