here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
