Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
