the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
