You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Do vagina's smell?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
