You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
