I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
