You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize