I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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