This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
