my sisters under your porch take her home
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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