No stitches, just platelets and will power
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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