Welp...herpes.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
