I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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