i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
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