Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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