and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Randomize
