I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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