just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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