wrigley field is MILF paradise
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
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