I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
