It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
