I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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