Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
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