Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize