i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
