Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
