I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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