but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
