go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
What drink are we having for lunch?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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