Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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