I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
