Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
